Saturday, June 10, 2006

Zarqawi's first blog entry from Paradise [link]

Courtesy of Iowahawk (link above), here are Abu Musab al Zarqawi's first impressions of "Paradise." The short version: it's a lot hotter than he expected and much, much more painful.

Due to the mature content of that blog,
parental discretion is advised before
reading the Iowahawk blog entry

When the door close behind me, zwwwwippitch, I guess you could say I was a little surprised, maybe a little disappointed. Turns out paradise is dumpier that you'd expect. A lot dumpier. In fact it's a lot like the Iraq boondocks; sandy, dusty, seemed like 150 degrees in the shade. I always figured paradise would have better climate control, but hey, Allah has the thermostat and He works in mysterious ways. I start looking around, and looking around. No virgins, no figs, no raisins. Now, I'm horny, hungry, and annoyed. Okay, I figure, I guess it's up to Zarkman to cherchez la poontang himself, so I start to walk down this dusty street, and BOOOM!

Get this: some asshole planted an IED right in the middle of goddamn downtown Paradise, and I take my first step right on the cocksucker. As I was flying through the air, I'm going, what the dung? It must have been planted by some Jew or Crusader, but how did one of those bastards slip into paradise in the first place? It was giving me a headache. Then I got another headache when the schoolbus ran over my head.

I was laying there trying to figure it out, when my various limbs and torsos and gonads and such started to reassemble, sort of like that liquid chrome cop in Terminator 2. Pretty cool, but it hurt like a mofo. So SPROING! I'm back on my feet, and start out again and BOOM! And I'm like, another fucking IED? I mean, what are the frigging odds? Then shhhklorrrp, bus over the head, reassemble SPROING. The next couple of hours was a blur of step- BOOM- shhhklorrrp - SPROING, lather-rinse-repeat, and I'm like, dude, fuck this shit. I had only made it 50 yards and wasn't all that horny anymore.

Here is to hoping that Iowahawk is understating the truth!


Anonymous Raymond Smalley said...


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Blogs are underutilized in politics. This campaign is interested in developing a strong relationship with you, so that your blog may reach it’s maximum potential. Please contact upon receiving this e-mail, as I would like future communication.

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10:48 PM  
Blogger Craig C said...

This one was excellent! But I think the virgins will be there too. It's just that they will be virgin CAMELS!!!!

4:49 PM  

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